


Don't Go

by yidae



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, PanWink - Freeform, Romance, laji, somewhat canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 01:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11979534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yidae/pseuds/yidae
Summary: “This is the only thing I can give to you.”Jihoon doesn’t do pain; his heart is weak. Because of this, he bites his tongue and decides it’s time for him to stop giving in. He bottles up what’s left of love and rejects every single advancement that Guanlin brings forth. Because the end is near, and love is temporary.





	1. Dimpled Smile

Park Jihoon recalled the day where he first met Lai Guanlin. The way he smelled like peaches, the gleam in his eyes, the dimple that protruded on his left cheek as he smiled, and the way his gummy smile seemed to light up the darkest places were absolute clarity to Jihoon.

They met for the first time while they were filming the first episode for Produce 101 Season 2. He remembered how large and unwelcoming the set appeared as he entered in with his label mates, how he almost tripped as he haphazardly walked to his seat, and how he fiddled his thumbs to contain his anxiousness while looking at the different company names that displayed on the panel.

One by one, the studio was beginning to fill up with trainees from various entertainment companies. What once was a quiet, empty studio was now filled with laughter and excitement. But Jihoon did not feel at ease; he was starting to feel tense and insecure. As more reputable names were displayed, Jihoon felt his degree of confidence stoop lower and lower as he compared them to the small company he came from, Maroo Entertainment.

_Cube Entertainment_

As each trainee read the name that was now displayed, the studio’s much audible atmosphere was now replaced by silence. Cube, who had a history of producing some of the top selling idols such as BEAST and 4Minute, was arguably the most anticipated company that was set to appear on the show. Everyone’s gaze was fixated at the entrance, curious to see their main competitor.

Jihoon let out a loud gasp as two figures made their entrance, dressed in black and white. Two tall boys emerged into the studio, meeting the sea of eyes who were staring back at them. Yoo Seonho, who was dressed in all black, possessed the visuals of an actor, but looked quite young. The other, Lai Guanlin, whom was dressed in all white, emitted an aura of innocence due to his big rounded eyes and cherry coloured lips that contrasted with his pale complexion.

“Wow they’re so good looking,” Jihoon heard someone whisper. “Are they twins?”

Everyone was mesmerized by their presence, and Jihoon could not help but feel a tinge of jealousy due to not only their looks, but also because they were most likely guaranteed adequate screen time since they came from a large company. Screen time was golden in this show and played the ultimate key to acquiring votes from the national producers. Jihoon wanted to get noticed, so he could get a chance to debut as top 11, but he was lacking confidence after seeing the two Cube trainees.

After the two Cube trainees quickly introduced themselves and bowed, they made their way to their seats. Since seats were limited, they had no choice but to sit apart from themselves.

At last, the studio was filled with 101 trainees and BoA, as well as the other teachers finally made their long-awaited entrance. After they made their introductions, and the rules and expectations of the show were explained, it was time for the nerve-wracking moment – individual company performances.

The company performances were the most worrisome segment of the episode. It was the introductory stage where trainees were given a chance to impress not only the teachers, but also the national produces with their talents and charisma. At the end of the performance came the evaluation, where trainees would be given ranks from A- D and F based on the judging system of the teachers.

In no particular order, trainees from every company went up to present their performance and as a result, got evaluated. There were some stages that strike memorable, while others were not up to par with the standards of the teachers. Jihoon was experiencing anxiety as he watched trainees getting evaluated. This was not looking good; not many A's were handed out.

\--

Jihoon feels like the world is falling apart as he rests backstage, awaiting his company car to pick him and his label mates up from the recording. He sits in an empty chair, away from the trainees holding his face in hands, shaking. He fights back his temptation to cry, but a few streams of tears fall. The amount of time, effort, and dedication that he put into the stage was only met with regret – a rank of C.

“Are you going to be okay, Jihoonie?” His label mate, Kwon Hyeop, asks him, giving Jihoon a worried look. He gives Jihoon's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “The staff members want us to write wishes on the white board.”

“Yeah. I’ll be okay,” Jihoon lies through his teeth, fully aware that he felt devastated. “You and Jongyeon go first. I’ll be there in a second.”

Jihoon heaves a sigh of disappointment, replaying the performance in his head, trying to pin point where he possibly went wrong. After he contemplates, Jihoon removes his hands from his face and arises from his seat so he can return to his label mates. He sniffles and dries his face with the sleeve of his blazer. As he turns around, he is startled to see a person right behind him, and lets out an audible yelp as he thought he was alone this whole time.

Facing him, was Cube trainee, Lai Guanlin who looked as shocked as Jihoon.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you,” The taller boy apologizes, with a notable accent to his Korean. “I heard you crying and I wanted to check if you were okay.”

Jihoon tries his best to stifle a laugh, but ends up letting out a chuckle that shocks the other male.

“I’m sorry, did I say something wrong? My Korean isn’t really good so I hope you can understand me.”

Jihoon shakes his head after realizing his reaction might of gave off a negative impression. “No, no. I just laughed because your pronunciation is really cute and unique.”

He spares a glance at Guanlin and he swears the hue of the boy’s cheeks changes to a muted strawberry shade.

“Anyways,” Guanlin continues in his accented Korean. “I don’t mean to be too forward since we just met, but is everything okay?”

Jihoon bites down on his bottom lip, hesitant because he’s unsure whether it was a favorable idea to covey this person, whom he just met, about his insecurities. 

“I have some regretful opinions about my evaluation.” He answers, reluctantly, while tugging nervously at the edges of his shirt.

“You were the one who did popping right?”

Jihoon nods his head in awe, astonished that Guanlin could even remember after viewing countless performance evaluations.

“I’m not sure if this means anything to you, but your popping was stunning. The way you danced was super cool,” The boy confesses, eyes fixated on Jihoon.

Before Jihoon gets a chance to reply, a loud and hyper voice interrupts them from afar.

“Hyung!” The voice calls out. Jihoon and Guanlin turn around and they are met with another trainee, who was dressed in black. He was smiling directly at Jihoon and then he turned to face Guanlin.

“Hyung, it’s time to leave. You should say goodbye to your new friend. I’m Seonho by the way.” He blinks rapidly, while reaching his hand out to grab Jihoon’s into a tight shake.

Jihoon, caught off guard, lets Seonho awkwardly shake his hand, while he tried to process the situation that was occurring.

“I guess it’s time for me to leave then,” The older boy sighs, as he grins at Jihoon. He takes a quick glance downwards and looks at the name tag that Jihoon forgot to take off “Bye Jihoon. Hopefully, we’ll meet again during our next recording. But you must promise me that when we meet, you’ll be more confident!”

“I-I promise,” Jihoon squeaks, unsure why Guanlin was being so nice to him. He wasn’t used to the attention he was currently receiving.

Before the two Cube boys left, Guanlin gave Jihoon one last smile. Though, this time his smile was much wider, revealing his gums and the fine line of a dimple. Jihoon felt the pace of his heartbeat slightly accelerate, sending tingles down to his fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the first chapter! I LOVE PANWINK SO MUCH that I want to contribute to this tag to keep it alive. Comments are much appreciated and please subscribe if you like because this will be a chaptered fic :D.


	2. Your Hand in My Hand

Most people believe that weekends are a brief escape from the harsh realities of their lives, that are replaced with distractions to fulfill their enjoyment. However, throughout Jihoon’s youth, he never once considered a weekend as something to relish. Instead, they exhausted him. In his view, weekends were extensions of weekdays, which were solely spent on dance practice. He would dance for hours until his whole body felt achy and weary, and until his clothes were drenched in sweat. Even if his joints throbbed and he felt like throwing up, Jihoon continued practicing.

Ever since he was a child, he knew that school wasn’t meant for him. His strong-willed mind did not produce any justifications to his grades. He received many C’s, D’s and F’s, but never _ever_ any A’s or B’s. In middle school, he surrendered to the idea of furthering his education, disappointing his parents. They eventually accepted his utmost decision to not pursue any post-secondary’s, but only if he could graduate high school.

He applied to SOPA (School of Performing Arts Seoul) since he has experience in film and musical theater since he was a child. Once accepted, he joined a dance club out of curiosity. During his first class, he was enlightened about different variations of dance styles, but one style in particular, stuck out to him the most – popping. He watched as the other members of the club popped to the melody, mesmerized by their seamless movements. In his mind, something clicked in place as if he found what he yearned for. From then on, Jihoon _knew_ that he had found his passion. He has finally found the purpose to his existence.

To Jihoon, dance is the epitome of life. It’s his gulp of fresh air, sense for validation, and his passion. Dancing embodies his mind and heart, objectifying as an instrument of freedom, for desire. He let’s the music take control of his body, effortlessly moving to the rhythm, as if every song was made for him. He grows desire to dance on stage, to have people one day watch his ability with admiration. His eagerness and his love for dance makes him decide that he wants to become an idol. He eventually enters a survival competition as a contestant – Produce 101 Season 2. Jihoon doesn’t know what he signed up for, but he only has one goal on his mind - to debut within the top 11.

\--

“I like your dancing,” A boy with cotton candy pink hair says to Jihoon, nervously.

Jihoon is in the cafeteria, sitting down at a table eating his food. He’s taking a lunch break, after spending countless hours trying to learn the choreography for “Nayana”. Standing in front of him, is a boy who is carrying a food tray, that holds double the amount of food that trainees are usually served. The boy is smiling down at Jihoon, revealing his moon crescent eyes.

“Uh, thanks?” Jihoon replies, bewilderedly. He’s not sure how to respond because this is the first time he has ever met the boy. Usually people introduce themselves first, or say "Hi".

“Sorry, let me start over,” The boy corrects himself, embarrassed after seeing the confused expression Jihoon displayed on his face. “Hello, my name is Kang Daniel! May I sit with you?”

Jihoon shyly nods and gestures towards the empty seat in front of him, and he watches as Daniel pulls out the chair to sit, still beaming from ear to ear.

“Your name is Jihoon, right?”

“Yes, I’m a trainee from Maroo Entertainment. I’m 17 years old.” Jihoon introduces himself, metal chopsticks between his fingers, grabbing a piece of beef. He is used to the routine since he has already introduced himself to many staff members.

“What, seriously?” The pink-haired boy widens his eyes. Daniel places his hand on Jihoon’s hair and ruffles it. “I’m 20! That means I’m your hyung!”

Jihoon chuckles as he detangles his chestnut brown hair and continues to eat his food. He’ll admit that this first encounter is quite odd, but he appreciates the attempt that Daniel made to get to know him. The two boys eat their food in silence but Jihoon notices that Daniel is still bright and joyful.

“Are you always this cheerful?” Jihoon questions, examining the older trainee who was currently shoveling a piece of kimbap in his mouth.

The boy chews his food, swallows, and then grins animatedly at Jihoon. “I’m always happy because I like seeing other people happy.”

Jihoon sends a warm smile back, admiring how optimistic the other was. He feels revealed that he has made a friend, satisfied that the boy wasn’t so focused on competition but more about building relationships. _Maybe we can debut together_ , Jihoon wonders.

\--

After the re-evaluation of trainees, Jihoon managed to level up in rank – from C to B. He was then appointed the centre for team B by his teachers and fellow trainees. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for Jihoon to steal the national producers heart, and he made sure to take advantage of the spotlight.

Near the end of recording “Nayana”, he noticed the camera man panning towards him. Jihoon did something that was unexpected of his masculine personality – he winked. At that moment, he wasn’t aware of the impact that his wink would make; he still couldn’t believe it to this day. His wink made headlines and created a buzz on the internet.

Instead of being known just as Park Jihoon from Maroo Entertainment, he has garnered attention and gained his newly persona, “wink boy”. Thanks to his renowned title as “wink boy”, Jihoon managed to snag the most online votes, placing him at first rank. He couldn’t believe it. Jihoon had never felt more confident.

After his spurt of popularity, Jihoon noticed that people were starting to treat him differently. He was starting to get approached more by the other trainees, _especially_ on camera. Trainees who ignored him at first, now would surround him, asking if he needed help with practice. He wasn’t sure why they were only acknowledging his existence now, but he had a gut feeling it had something to do with his newly found fame.

The only person who hasn’t treated him differently was Guanlin.

The next time Jihoon encounters Guanlin isn’t until they are both placed on opposing teams for their second mission. Well, scratch that. He _has_ seen Guanlin a couple of times during recording, but the younger trainee hasn’t acknowledged his presence – as if Guanlin never walked on Jihoon crying that day. Unlike other trainees, Guanlin avoided him like the plague, walking with a quickened pace elsewhere, if Jihoon waseven within 10 ft. He wasn’t sure if it was intentional or what has caused this, but he doesn’t think of it too much since he is busy with practice.

“We’re going to win this,” Lee Daehwi firmly states, giving a smirk while crossing his arms together. “I mean, can you just  _see_ how they’re dancing?”

Jihoon was sitting in a circle with his Avengers team, observing the opposing group who were currently going through the beginning of the dance, trying to grasp the correct movements. They were breathing heavily, with beads of sweat dripping from their head, as they struggled to remember the routine. Jihoon’s team has already memorized the steps an hour ago, and they were resting momentarily.  

“Just look at Lai Guanlin,” Joo Haknyeon whispers, while pointing at the youngest boy, who was making every effort to keep up, but unfortunately failing to do so. “He’s dancing a whole beat off. They’re going to have to practice all night and all day at this rate.”

Jihoon worryingly looks at Guanlin, who has stopped dancing completely to catch his breath. He huffs and puffs, as he watches his other team members continue the choreography. Before the younger boy attempts to dance again, he looks directly at Jihoon, noticing that he is being watched.

Jihoon turns his head to avoid the intense gaze, now directing his attention to Daehwi, who currently is showing pictures of his dogs to Bae Jinyoung.

“They're my cuties!” He says in English, while leaning his head on Jinyoung’s chest, both laughing excitedly.

Having not paid much attention during his English classes, Jihoon places his hand on his head, trying to decipher the meaning of “cuties”.

\--

It’s 2 am when Jihoon creaks out of his dorm one night, while his team members are deep asleep in their beds. Their team had picked “Boy in Luv” as the song they wanted to perform for the second mission, and Jihoon was headed to the practice room to brush up on some key points of the choreography. The reason why he waited so late, was because he wanted the room for himself.

As he approached the door towards the practice room, he raises his hand to turn the knob but stops suddenly when he hears noises. It was music playing from the room – Boy in Luv to be exact. He opens the door silently and hesitantly steps inside to see who could possibly be practicing this late at night. It was Guanlin. Guanlin was dancing to the song, as if he were in a trance. Perspiration was running down his forehead, and his eyes looked tired. Jihoon could see that the younger boy was practicing hard, but unfortunately, he was making mistakes. He was missing almost every beat, and his moves were quite stiff, ending too early without any rhythmic feel. Jihoon continued to watch Guanlin dance, surprised that the boy hasn’t taken notice of his arrival.

After the song ended, Jihoon clapped hard, forgetting that Guanlin wasn’t aware of his presence. Jihoon had never seen Guanlin turn around so fast, with his hand clutching his chest, eyes wide and filled with terror as he saw who was responsible for clapping.

“You scared me,” Guanlin said, as he lowers his shoulders and let out a sigh of relief. “Kang Dongho told me a lot of scary stories, so I thought you were the Korean ghost from hell who sneaks up on Taiwanese trainees that he mentioned”.

“I’m not entirely sure if that’s true,” Jihoon replies, as he lets out a giggle. He is relieved that he can finally talk to Guanlin again.

“I must be really naïve then,” Guanlin frowns, while looking at the ground. “You’re here to practice, right? I’ll be on my way.”

And as if he remembers something important, Guanlin scurries towards the door, without giving Jihoon a second glance.

“W-wait,” Jihoon calls, as he reaches his hand to grab Guanlin’s to stop him. “We can practice together since we’re doing the same song.”

Guanlin quickly retracts his hand back. “Are you sure? I’m not that good.” He says sadly, while avoiding eye contact.

“I’ll help you learn the dance. Just don’t avoid me again. I’ve been trying to talk to you for weeks.” Jihoon confesses.

The other finally glances at Jihoon, and gives a small smile. “Thank you, Jihoon hyung,” He says, happily.

They practice for hours, repeatedly playing the song until they are both exhausted. Jihoon watches over Guanlin, providing assistance upon areas he needed to improve on. Guanlin was still slightly stiff, but he could now maneuver his dance moves more in a relaxed manner. At least he knows all the moves now, Jihoon thought. He was pleased to see Guanlin get a better grasp on the choreography.

“I need a break,” Guanlin proclaims, breathing through his mouth heavily. He lowers himself on the floor, and sits down against the wall, legs sprawled out. “I can’t dance anymore.”

Jihoon joins him on the ground, resting one leg over the other, while wiping the sweat off his head with the back of his hand. The two boys sit together in silence, shoulder to shoulder, as they both try to catch their breath.

“Thanks for helping me again, hyung,” Guanlin conveys. “Even though you are on the other team, I really appreciate what you did. I didn’t want to bother the guys on my team too much, which is why I came and practiced alone.”

“No problem,” Jihoon replies. “I’m glad I could help. Can I ask you a question, by the way?”

Guanlin makes a small hum of approval.

“Why did you avoid me? We already met, so it was weird seeing you act as if you didn’t know me.”

“I-I was afraid to talk to you," The younger boy stutters, turning his face to hide his humiliation. "After seeing you get so popular, I couldn’t approach you. My skills are poor and I was embarrassed to face you again.

“Guanlin-ah, don’t ever think you aren’t good enough” Jihoon reassured him, turning his head to face the other person beside him.

“It’s really hard doing this,” Guanlin confesses. “I barely understand what is going on most of the time. I feel so lost; I feel so alone here.”

Jihoon extends his hand towards Guanlin, and Guanlin takes it. It’s the first time they hold hands, so the feeling is new, faintly awkward since it feels more like a handshake than anything, but Jihoon holds on because he wants to encourage the younger boy.

“Whatever you need, I’m here for you. Don’t ever feel like you are alone. Be confident. It’s because of your words that I became more confident in my skills. I want you to be confident too. Not for me, but for you.”

Guanlin looks at Jihoon with clear eyes and he gave a nod, indicating without words that he understood. He then did something that made Jihoon lose his breath, as if they were still dancing their energy away.

Guanlin entwines their fingers together and holds tightly on Jihoon’s hand. Jihoon’s heart suddenly races because of the unfamiliar touch, the excitement causing his head to feel dizzy. It’s that same feeling that occurred when they first met, when Guanlin gave him that gummy smile that brightened up his world, that feeling that he could feel prickle from his head to his toes.

"Your hands feel nice," He says simply. "They have this distinct feeling that I can't really explain in Korean."

"What does that even mean?" Jihoon replies, laughing at the maknae. 

"Hyung?" Guanlin interrupts, gaze now fixated at Jihoon.

"Yes?"

"I won't avoid you anymore, but only if we can stay like this a little longer. Please?"

"Of course, Guanlin-ah." Jihoon grins, extending his index finger to poke the boy's cheek. 

Somewhere in between the hand holding, and the simple, but memorable conversations that they continued to have that night, the boys fell asleep. Jihoon fell asleep with his head leaning over Guanlin’s shoulder, while Guanlin with his head on Jihoon’s head. Their breaths were heavy, signally both were in a deep sleep, but their hands remained interlocked.

\--

“Where are you going this early, Daniel-ah?” Ong Seongwoo inquires, through half-opened eyes. He yawns and stretches his arms out as he watches the younger trainee with bright pink hair put on his socks.

“Just going to practice first, hyung,” Daniel replies. He walks over to Seongwoo’s bed and kneels in front, head hovering above the tired trainee. Daniel extends his hand and tousles Seongwoo’s brown hair. “Do you want to come with, hyung?”

“Yah!” The older snaps back, hitting Daniel’s hand away. “I’m exhausted. Leave me be so I can catch up on sleep”. He closes his eyes shut then starts to fake a snore, which Daniel thinks sounds more like a broken cassette recorder.

Daniel pouts and teasingly hits the other’s leg. “I’ll see you later then, sleepy head.”

“Be sure to make your bed before you leave,” Hwang Minhyun murmurs sluggishly, from the other side of the room. His blanket is wrapped around his body like a chrysalis, covering his face. “You don’t want the whole nation seeing what a slob you are.”

Daniel wasn’t aware that Minhyun was awake and he wasn’t sure how Minhyun knew that his bed was a mess since his face was covered.

“Hyung, you are so cute,” Daniel giggles as he walks out the door, leaving his messy blankets untouched.

“And turn off the lights!” He faintly hears Seongwoo shout, but he has already walked too fast, and too far to spare any care in the world.

Daniel cheerfully strides down the hall, while thinking of all the possible scenarios that can arise from being on Produce 101. He imagines himself ranking top 35, which would allow him to perform in the special finale concert. Being able to perform in front of a large audience is his dream. Daniel is humble and doesn’t anticipate himself getting into the top 11, since his rank is not very high, although deep inside he would _really_ like to. It would be even better if he was granted the opportunity to debut with his Justice League team, his hyungs that he truly adores.

Additionally, it would be nice if he got to debut with Park Jihoon, the boy who caught his eye ever since the start. Since they both were passionate about rap and dance, Daniel felt a sense of familiarity when he saw Jihoon. Jihoon is not only talented, but he posesses charisma. Plus, he is  _extremely_ cute; Daniel likes cute.

It’s 6 am when Kang Daniel walks in, ready to practice for “Sorry Sorry” first thing in the morning, when he notices that someone is in the room. He finds two boys perched up against the wall, sound asleep. It’s Guanlin and Jihoon, he realizes upon inspection. He notices that they are holding hands and feels a pang in his chest, a feeling of jealousy. He heads out of the room and finds somewhere else to practice instead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all! so school is starting soon for me but i decided to update first. thank you again for reading! thank you so much and i hope you can keep supporting me - quote guanlin. 
> 
> can someone tell irl jihoon to notice guanlin pls. i'm missing their interactions again. and how is guanlin still jobless. it's been like 80 days already. okay goodbye.


	3. Tainted Pink

When the speakers blare “Nayaya” at 6am, an ear-splitting indication that what’s left of a tranquil slumber must come to an end, Jihoon remains in his bed, sound asleep.

In his dreams, Jihoon sits on a wooden stool, hunching his shoulders. He carries a metal pail filled with seeds, grains, oats, and corn – the contents spilling over the brim of silver, which is briskly met into the mouths of chickens. The flock of clutch crowd him, eagerly waiting for the next cascade of feed to be thrown from Jihoon’s hands. He counts them to identify how much food he will need to ration out. _9 chickens._ There should be one more. He ponders momentarily, double-checking if his tally was correct. Soon enough, he locates the missing one – who was squished in-between two other chickens. _But wait,_ Jihoon thinks. This one is unordinary; it’s a _chick_ and it’s _pink._ Reluctantly, he stands up and heads towards the pink chick, and bends down, eye level with the bird to examine its peculiarity.

“Why are you pink?” Jihoon inquires, demanding a response from the divergent. _Weep weep weep._ It lets out a pathetic cry, a sound that one would expect to hear from a mere chick. Jihoon groans and closes his eyes, chuckling to himself. _Did he really just talk to a chick like a madman?_

“Yes, you did,” A voice answers him, but this time it’s not the chick. He opens his eyes and the pink chick is gone. Instead, a boy replaces its spot, standing above Jihoon with an entertained smile plastered on his face. Jihoon drops the bucket of feed, loud silver clanking on the ground, remains spilling over. He brings his hands to his face.

“Guanlin-ah,” he stammers, “What are you doing here?”

Guanlin, who’s dressed in pink, has his hair perfectly slicked back, looking mature for his young age. He looks down at Jihoon with clear eyes, stupid grin still on his face. He reaches behind his back, and brings forth a flower – a bright pink aster.

“I like you a lot, Jihoonie hyung,” he says, reaching the flower out. “Please accept this if you feel the same way.”

Without thinking, Jihoon takes it from him and then his vision blurs. Guanlin’s innocent smile fades away and everything turns pink _then_ black.

That’s when he wakes up. Like a bear awakening from hibernation, Jihoon yawns, looking around to collect his consciousness. He feels a slight breeze dance across his face, from the window that is slightly ajar. The morning sunlight casts lights, emitting shadows of warm yellow on the walls of the room. He realizes the song “Nayaya” is booming from the speakers, sound so deafening to his ears but a sign of the start of his routine.

“Hyung.” He hears a voice calling him. It’s Bae Jinyoung, one of the trainees whom he shares his dorm with.  Jinyoung is standing near his bed, already dressed in his Produce 101 uniform and ready to leave. “I’ve been trying to call your name, but you were deep asleep.”

“Eh,” Jihoon mutters. He rubs his eyes and looks at the clock. It’s 6:15. He dresses to prepare for recording.

It has been almost two months since the second mission. Two months of an ordinary person’s time would consist of the mundane and recycled routine of eating, working, sleeping, and repeat. But for Jihoon, his last two months presented him with all the mundane aspects of an ordinary person’s life, in addition to stress, tears, and sweat. Like all the remaining trainees who survived the last eliminations, he was _exhausted,_ both mentally and physically. The competition kept him on his toes, as if his life depended on it. And it really did, because Jihoon wasn’t sure what he would do if he didn’t make the top 11. Maroo Entertainment didn’t have plans for an upcoming boy group anytime soon, so he would have to go back to being a trainee. Who knows how long – one, two, three years, perhaps even more. _I must debut,_ he reminds himself. He just _has_ too.

His hectic schedule begins on the day of the elimination round, the third round to be exact. There are 35 trainees remaining, and he is certainly not prepared to watch any more of his companions leave. He doesn’t want to see the heartbreak in the eyes of the trainees who are called out, the tears fall as they come upon realization that debut isn’t within fingers reach. But what Jihoon fears more is the idea of being separated from his friends. Kang Daniel and Lai Guanlin especially. Jihoon prays they can all make it. If he can’t make it, at least let them.

“I wonder how many people they are going to eliminate,” Bae Jinyoung says, while the two of them are on their way to the recording. They walk side to side, at a leisurely pace, taking short languid steps.

“I’m not sure,” Jihoon answers hesitantly. “I heard it’s different this time.”

“There are so many rumours going around. I just hope that we both make it.”

Jihoon nods his head in agreement, wishing the same.

“Who else do you wish to debut with, Jinyoungie?” He questions, eyebrows curve, as he nudges the younger at the side.

“H-hyung,” Jinyoung blushes, his cheeks deep with crimson. “Don’t make me say it.”

“No seriously, who?” Jihoon teases, sending a knowing smile. Jinyoung is like a younger brother to him. He’s tall in stature with a lean body that pairs fittingly with his handsome looks, but his personality is childlike, an easy target to poke fun at. Jihoon smiles at Jinyoung, who currently has his head down, something he only does when he is embarrassed. Jihoon already knows the answer, but it’s fun to tease his dongsaeng.

\--

The third elimination round was nothing but unexpected. Although Jihoon managed to rank highly at 2nd, his mind was elsewhere. His head was spinning because of the current results. _Unbelievable_. He remembers how Guanlin looked; he remained his composure and kept calm, but his eyes carried a different perspective– they were held with fear and panic. Though Guanlin didn’t cry, Jihoon almost did. Jihoon’s heart sank when he saw the TV display four candidates from ranks 1-4. Instead of feeling relieved that his face was shown, he grew worried. His eyes searched both screens for Guanlin’s face, but nowhere could the boy be found. He doesn’t know what he would do if Guanlin gets eliminated. Feelings of worry cloud his thoughts and put him into a bleak mood. _There’s still one more elimination round._ Jihoon doesn’t want to lose him; he’s scared.

He knocks on the door to Guanlin’s dorm, and is met by Hwang Minhyun, who does not seem surprised to see Jihoon.

“Oh, Jihoonie,” Minhyun says, “I was just heading out to grab some food. Do you want to come?”

“No, thank you, hyung,” Jihoon replies, denying the offer. “Is Guanlin in there?”

“Yes.” Minhyun nods, opening the door for Jihoon to come inside. “He’s sleeping right now; he’s been sleeping for a couple of hours now. Poor kid. He hasn’t even eaten yet, and he refuses to talk to anyone. Take care of him for me, if you don’t mind.” Minhyun leaves the room, and Jihoon is alone with Guanlin.

His heart sinks when he sees Guanlin’s sleeping body, legs curled up since he is too tall for the bed, posture bent. Guanlin’s face is peaceful when he sleeps, so ethereal like, but Jihoon can sense the sadness lingering.

“Guanlin-ah,” Jihoon says carefully, tapping his hand on the younger’s shoulder. He wants the boy to sleep in, but he also wants to be able to comfort him. He taps the boy some more, and Guanlin finally shifts in his bed, almost knocking his head against the wall because of his monstrous height. He mumbles incoherently under his breath, and Jihoon isn’t sure if it was in Korean, Mandarin, or English.

“Guanlin-ah,” he repeats himself, as he perches down on the younger boy’s bed.

“J-Jihoon-hyung?” he croaks, voice raspy with drowsiness. He sits up and stretches, fist covering his mouth as he yawns. As soon as he regains his awareness, and makes the switch from fatigue to awake, he then immediately embraces his arms around Jihoon. Jihoon’s insides wind as the butterflies inside begin to enlarge. His heart accelerates, and before he knows it Guanlin wraps his arms tighter, body enclosing against Jihoon. “Hyung, you finally came.”

 “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” Jihoon finally holds him back, hand caressing his back in sympathy. As he is locked in Guanlin’s hug, he can feel the pain and sadness that emits from the pressure of the boy’s embrace. He grips him firmer, hoping that Guanlin can feel him sharing his pain. They sit in silence for 20 minutes; no dialogue is involved, but Jihoon can still translate the silence into meaning. Guanlin doesn’t need to say anything, because Jihoon already understands. They have been best friends for almost two months now – two months of being inseparable. It’s no longer an obligation to occupy silence with mere words; they’re already past that stage.

“Hyung, I don’t want to leave,” Guanlin eventually announces, filling the quietness of the room with his soft, deep voice. He narrows his eyes as he looks at Jihoon. “I want to stay here longer.”

“I want you to make it as well, Guanlin-ah. I want us to be able to debut together, to stand on stage. It’s not your time to leave yet, so please don’t be so down.”

“I don’t want to go back to Taiwan. I like it here. I made so many good friends that I want to debut with, like you hyung. I don’t want to leave you either.”

“Guanlin-ah, what do you desire for the most?” Jihoon questions the boy, providing some solace.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Anything that you want, I’ll buy for you.”

“Hyung, you don’t have to do this you know,” Guanlin says, scratching his head. He turns to look at Jihoon, and the gloom in his eyes is suddenly replaced with shimmer. It’s the same type of look Guanlin gives Jihoon when he’s excited about learning new Korean phrases, or when he wants to play games. Guanlin _loves_ games. “But since you’re offering, anything you say?”

“I mean, I don’t have that much money, but if there’s a snack or something that you’ll like, I’ll get it for you.” Jihoon retracts, wondering what the boy’s offer would be.

“I can make any kind of request and you won’t reject?” Guanlin looks at him with great interest.

“Y-yes, if it can make you happy.”

Guanlin places his fingertips on his forehead and mulls over the possibilities of what to ask. He then curves his lips into a smile – it’s the first genuine smile that appears since he was announced as rank 20, but something is off about it. It’s _mischievous_. “This won’t cost you a single won. I just want a kiss.”

“I-I beg your pardon?” Jihoon stares at the younger boy, mouth slightly ajar. He’s not sure if he hears correctly. It’s a faulty error of miscommunication between different languages, he thinks. _It must be._ But whatever Guanlin’s real intent is, Jihoon feels his stomach doing somersaults. At that moment, the temperature of the room feels too hot and he almost forgets to breath.

“I want you to kiss me,” Guanlin states spontaneously, his eyes scrutinizing every reaction that emits from Jihoon’s astounded face. He grabs Jihoon’s hand and places Jihoon’s index finger to his cheek. “Right here!”

“Right now?” Jihoon is all up for suggestions, but this one has him on edge, as if he were grasping tightly on the tip of a mountain, below him awaits a dark abyss. Falling into it only awaits danger; he doesn’t do danger nor does he like it. He tenses under Guanlin’s words and his mind scurries in search for the underlying implication. _Get a hold of yourself,_ his conscious reminds him. “I’m not sure if I can do that. I’m your hyung and you are my dongsaeng who I cherish really much.”

“Hyung! That’s not what I meant,” Guanlin replies innocently, his voice an octave higher due to surprise. He arches his eyebrows, and creates an X with his two arms. “I think you might’ve misunderstood.”

“What did you mean then?” Jihoon answers with demure, carefully choosing his words now. His cheeks flush due to wrongfully assuming Guanlin was insinuating something else. He nearly transports to another world when Guanlin flashes another bright smile but his thoughts scold him back to reality.

“I want you to give me a kiss on the cheek, but _only_ if I make it in the top 11,” Guanlin states his wishes. “It’ll motivate me to work even harder – it’ll be like giving me vitamin C!”

“I’m really not sure if that’s a good idea though, Guanlin-ah.”

“But hyung, you said I can ask for anything didn’t you?” Guanlin pouts and Jihoon feels his heart skip a beat.

“You got a deal then,” Jihoon sheepishly replies, while admiring the excited boy. _What could possibly go wrong?_ The only thing that Jihoon wants is for Guanlin to be happy, because Guanlin makes him happy. Mentally and physically, he was stressed. He couldn’t have made it this far in the competition if it wasn’t for Guanlin’s support. After Kwon Hyeop, his label-mate who encouraged him to join Produce 101, was eliminated, a wave of emptiness hit him as he realized solitude would be evident. But Guanlin was always there with his gummy smile, fingertips reaching towards Jihoon, beckoning him to grab on. Guanlin’s gesture was inviting and quite frankly, it felt good to have someone he could rely on. So Jihoon held back, and he held on tight.

\--

Back in the cafeteria, Jaehwan and Minhyun are eating while Daniel fixates at his phone.

“So, when you’re trying to belt high notes, assure that your face is relaxed,” Jaehwan educates Minhyun, who is now nodding his head in agreement. Jaehwan tries to make a straight face as a demonstration, but loses concentration when he sees Minhyun mocking him.

“I’m serious! Tense facial muscles can lead to straining of your vocal cords. And you don’t want your vocals cords to get ruined, do you?”

“No, I don’t want my vocal cords to be ruined,” Minhyun says, “But if we are speaking truthfully, you look kind of murderous with that expression.”

“Hey! That’s rude!” Jaehwan yells as he hits the eldest on the back with his metal chopsticks, earning him a groan in return. He turns to Daniel who isn’t eating. “What do you think?”

Minhyun points at Daniel, and then whispers something in Jaehwan’s ear.

“Yah, why aren’t you eating?” Jaehwan asks Daniel, while bringing a spoonful of mixed rice to Daniel’s face. “Usually you’ll be on seconds. What’s going on?”

“Hyung, thanks but I’m fine.” Daniel shakes his head at the food that is being offered to him, pursing his lips. He continues to stare at his phone, face beaming with a sly smile.

“What are you watching anyways?” Jaehwan inquires, eyebrows coming together.

“It’s nothing,” Daniel nervously replies, while trying to turn off his phone, but before he does, Jaehwan attempts to yank the phone out of his hands. Daniel quickly retracts, but he accidentally drops the phone on the table, which Minhyun immediately picks up. Minhyun lets out a boisterous laugh as he examines the contents playing on the phone.

“Oh my god! Are you really watching Park Jihoon’s eye contact video for Oh Little Girl?” Minhyun asks, laughing uncontrollably. He nudges Jaehwan to look, titling the phone so the boy can get a better angle. Jaehwan shrieks in delight as he views the video. They both start mimicking the dance moves, swaying their arms to Jihoon’s part.

Daniel blushes as he covers his face with his hands, shielding himself. His face warms up as he can feel his head go lightheaded. He suddenly wants to run away and hide himself.

“Why were you watching this anyways?” Jaehwan questions, after he and Minhyun are done watching the video of Jihoon. Jaehwan wipes his eyes, which grew moist from laughing so hard.

“I don’t know,” Daniel lies, shrugging his shoulders. He wants to deviate away from this topic, but his hyungs are too persistent and pushy.

“Do you like him or something?” Minhyun suddenly demands, beady eyes narrowing down at Daniel. His prying expression commands an answer.

“W-well, I think he’s cute.” Daniel replies reluctantly, but then instantly regrets as he sees his hyungs exchange curious glances at each other.

“So, you do like him!” Jaehwan excitedly proclaims, while clapping his hands on the table like a madman. His voice is loud and powerful, attracting glances from other trainees in the cafeteria.

“Shh,” Daniel hisses, using his palms to conceal Jaehwan’s mouth in attempt to hush him. His heart races as he considers the predicament that would occur if the other trainees heard. He doesn’t want anything tracing back to Jihoon – just not yet, he thinks. “Okay fine. I'll tell you guys everything. Just be quiet, _please.”_

Minhyun and Jaehwan sit upright, immensely staring at Daniel with smirks of intrigue plastered on their faces. Minhyun guides his slender hands to his left ear while nodding his head, a cue that they are all ears.

“I might have a small crush on him,” Daniel says hesitantly. He emits a lengthy exhale, while cautiously observing his hyungs faces. To his surprise, they remain calm with poise.

“We kind of already knew,” Minhyun states plainly, almost unenthusiastically. He looks at Jaehwan and they both nod their head in agreement.

“To be honest, we speculated that you liked him for over a month now,” Jaehwan pipes in, while continuing to chow down on his mixed rice.

“Wait how did you guys know?” Daniel replies, eyes broadened by the recent information.

“Firstly, you never fail to mention how badly you want to debut with him.” Minhyun lists orderly by counting his fingers. “Second, you always do that bunny grin thing when Jihoon does his aegyo. And thirdly, you left your phone on your bed while you were in the shower and forgot to turn it off that one day. It was playing a 4 minute compilation of Jihoon’s winks.”

“I get it! I get it! Just please lower your voice!”

“You’re not really discreet, you know,” Jaehwan chuckles mildly, patting Daniel’s shoulder reflexively. They both continue to list their observations, explaining minor details that they noticed that Daniel wasn’t aware of himself.

“But there’s one problem,” Daniel admits, after hearing what the other two had to say. He wants to leave so badly after knowing his secret isn’t so secret anymore. He bites his lip and resumes. “I don’t think that he’ll like me back.”

“Why’s that?” Minhyun asks.

Daniel doesn’t want to answer, because he feels his chest tensing. Whenever he thinks of Jihoon, he’s all smiles and sunshine. Whenever he hears Jihoon’s voice, the sound echoes like a lullaby that puts a child to sleep. And whenever Jihoon looks at Daniel with his doe-like eyes, Daniel feels as though everything is crystal clear, that everything in the world makes complete sense. The emotions that he harbours for Jihoon, he’s not quite sure himself what to make of it. To him, Jihoon is like a starry night with the grey moon gazing back, so iridescent and so beautiful that he can’t look away. Instead, he’s staring back with fascination and wonder. He’s wide-eyed at the constellations that surround the moon, spelling out his adoration for Jihoon. Although he’s gazing so intensely at the moon, the moon isn’t looking back at him. It’s shining its moonlight at someone else - at Guanlin. Daniel can’t deny the way Jihoon looks at Guanlin, the way his eyes seem to shine brighter at the younger boy, but all he can do best is to ignore it. That seems to maintain the feelings of excitement that he gets every time Jihoon appears. _That shall do the trick,_ he thinks.

He chooses not to answer, and remains still. Both Minhyun and Jaehwan exchange looks of incertitude and go back to their preceding topic of vocalization.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all i'm back with another chapter. i think in total there will be about 10-11 chapters i'm not really sure yet. anyways i am quite delighted with all the panwink interactions the past day. did ya'll see how whipped jihoon was when he was wiping guanlin's sweat???? okay i'll stop. i'm too panwink trash.


	4. Truth or Fucking Dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains swearing and lots of it. It also contains mentions of sex (no actual sex) by the elder members.

_“I want you to kiss me,” Guanlin states spontaneously, his eyes scrutinizing every reaction that emits from Jihoon’s astounded face. He grabs Jihoon’s hand and places Jihoon’s index finger to his cheek. “Right here!”_

 

Jihoon lays on his bed, face glancing upon the ceiling, with his shaky hand upon his heart as hears Guanlin’s soothing voice assault his thoughts, playing a hypnotic mantra upon his mind, _again and again_ , always reoccurring. _I want you to kiss me. Right here!_ He imagines Guanlin’s face, so endearing and confident as he requests for his wish like a child at the candy shop. Guanlin’s eyes were so clear and alluring as he captivated Jihoon to his attraction, trapping him slowly into the depts of wonder and fascination. He imagines every scenario, every scene that plays out in his head of him kissing Guanlin as his heart skips a beat, rocking between multiple widths of waves upon waves during a thunderstorm at sea. He sees himself standing upon his tip toes, reaching for Guanlin’s cheek as if he were reaching to grab the stars of the skies. He sees himself press his chapped lips towards soft delicate flesh, skin upon skin. And he also pictures Guanlin’s reaction to the kiss, wide eyed with enjoyment and perhaps providing a peck in return. _You don’t even know if he likes you,_ his conscious reminds him, voice jeering with cynicism.

 

Again the mantra attacks his ears violently, echoing through his eardrums, fuelling upon the dents and crevices of his vivid imagination like an empty gas tank. The hymn makes it’s reappearance and as if Jihoon were watching a movie over and over again, eyes forced open, never a chance of looking away. _I_ _want you to kiss me. Right here!_ Guanlin’s sweet coo is a radio station that plays too loudly over his thoughts, but the only thing far more audible are his _breaths_ , rugged inhales and exhales of bewilderment that are currently filling the silent room. He opens his eyes and stares at the hands that slowly dances around the clock. The time reads 3am, and everyone is sound asleep, transported to the majestic and innovative world of their dreams, while Jihoon lays awake with his thoughts louder than his beating heart. He hazily closes his eyes, a mere attempt to sleep as he tries to shut down the system that operates his continuous musters of excitement. 

 

 _I_ _want you to kiss me. Right here!_

 

That night he doesn’t sleep.

 

—

 

But Jihoon’s not the only one who isn’t asleep that night. 

 

Five boys are wide awake in their dorm room: one planted on his stomach, one perched against the rigid wall, two dancing spontaneously, and the last one cleaning. They are Hwang Minhyun, Kang Daniel, Kim Jaehwan, Kim Jonghyun, and Ong Seongwoo, or also infamously known as the remaining members of the “Justice League” formation. 

 

“Okay Okay! Bring it _on_!” Jaehwan shrieks happily, twirling his body and kicking his feet in the air as he dances against Seongwoo, who was currently popping his body, arms swaying like a puppet as if were miming. 

 

“Here’s my next attack.” Seongwoo says to him, now gliding his feet side to side with little to no effort, creating the illusion of a moonwalk. Jaehwan attempts to mimic him as he watches, but instead, he drags his feet around the floor in an awkward and unsophisticated manner, looking more like an unhumorous clown on the “free” section found on Craigslist rather than an agile dancer, which results in an eruption of a suit of laughter from the other boys. 

 

Similar to the stereotypical, domestic housewives that derives from the 1950s, Minhyun casually and randomly walks in between the two dancing boys with a broom in his hand, brushes the walkway as they stand, conspicuously. He leans down and angles his head to get a good view of the nonexistent dirt, vigorously sweeping in circles, as he caresses the two boy’s feet with the broom. 

 

“Hey,” Jaehwan laughs, “That tickles, stop that!” 

 

“Where did you even get a broom, Minhyun?” Seongwoo who stops dancing to watch his hyung with bewilderment. “Like how the heck did you pack that in your suitcase?”

 

“I didn’t,” Minhyun replies, as he rounds the invisible dust-bunnies in the center of the room, retracing his steps so he doesn’t miss any. “I asked my mother to come here to bring it for me.”

 

“Are you fucking serious? That’s hilarious.” Seongwoo responds, holding his stomach to contain a series of laugher. 

 

Jonghyun who perches against the wall is silently watching the commotion, his head nodding to Minhyun’s words as if he couldn’t agree more. “He’s not lying. Minhyun is seriously OCD when it comes to cleaning. He’ll literally fold your blankets for you in a nice square and puff your flat pillows back into its original, puffy state, and then straighten out your wrinkled bed sheets… all done while you’re _still_ in bed sleeping.”

 

“I just _can’t_ help it,” Minhyun simply responds, “The Hwang bloodline isn’t known for physical strengths such as dancing, acrobatics or Taekwondo - but i _nstead_ , we clean. Cleaning helps relieve our stress; I started cleaning when I was 3. I vacuumed the floors, the stairs, walls, and ceiling. I did the laundry, folded the clothes, and even hung them too, while I stepped on my baby step ladder, up on my tip toes obviously. I was a filial son to my only mother and father. You all should try it out too; maybe your parents will start to actually like you and appreciate your existence.”

 

“Yeah he’s full of shit.” Daniel giggles, as he places a strawberry gummy in his mouth, chewing and smacking on the sweetness that tastes like fresh air on a stuffy, summer day. “Name me one other 3 year old besides your psycho self who actually doesn’t nap, shit, and eat all day but instead, is capable of performing such duties that sometimes even a maid herself cannot fully complete.”

 

“I swear you can ask my mother!” Minhyun defends himself, sweeping up the remnants of whatever was on the floor into the dustpan that somehow magically appeared out of thin air and into his hand, which is now shaking with anger. “She has photos of me from every year of my life that can prove to you that I’m a cleaner. I’ll ask her to send it to me right now.”

 

“Hyung. First of all, it’s past midnight. I know your mothers loves you, but she isn’t going to anymore if you bother her, you asshole.” Jaewhan chimes in, as he discontinues his dance to sit on the floor, his fingers circling his sore feet from dancing as if he just got into a fight. “Secondly, you don’t need to prove yourself; we _believe_ you. We believe that you were the epitome of a child slave worker, being groomed to be nothing more but a sad cleaner, sweeping the rooftop, then eventually falling and landing to your death in your pile of dust-bunnies and tangled ass hair. Thirdly, shut the fuck up.”

 

“Fuck you!” Minhyun takes the end of the broom and vehemently smacks it against the younger boy’s bottom, earning a loud groan in response. He pouts and puts the broom and dustpan neatly under his table. _So that’s where it came from._ “Just be happy that I’m the only one who actually cleans here. This place is fucking filthy and none of you are aware of the bacteria and germs that surrounds you. Have fun catching a disease and dying then! I hope your ashes get turn into dirt that even I won’t vacuum for you, because you can kiss my fucking ass.” 

 

“You’re _so so so_ lame. You’ll be a janitor before you can debut as an idol again.” Seongwoo declares, joining Jaehwan on the floor, resting his head on the boy’s shoulder. He watches as the caretaker whips out the broom once more from under the bed and in an instant, Minhyun rushes towards Seongwoo and attempts to thrush the broom on his behind, but Seongwoo quickly leaps up and sprints on the hinds of his feet, leaving Jaehwan to be the victim of Minhyun’s of next assault. 

 

“What what? _Ow!”_ Jaehwan yelps, hands clasped behind his ass, gently massaging it to soothe the painful injuries. “I didn’t even do anything this time!”

 

“You laughed along! You all did! I’m going to get you all!” Minhyun shouts, deviating from a handsome young man into what currently resembles a serial killer possessed by the devil himself, eyes wide open with only one motivating factor on his mind - death. He’s on fours now, leaping from corner to corner, waving the broom around in the air, threatening. He jumps and hits Seongwoo ass, next is Daniel’s, then _lastly_ Jonghyun’s. 

 

“I was just sitting here quietly all this time. I didn’t even say anything; I merely spoke the truth.” Jonghyun innocently pleas, hand in prayer formation, praying for the serial killer to transform back into the Minhyun he knows, the cleaning freak who’s lips remained sealed, hand on his hip and his feather duster in his hand. 

 

“You are _just_ as guilty; you’re all apart of the problem!” Minhyun smacks him again for talking back, then eventually tosses the broom on the floor, clapping his hands in satisfaction. “Next time anyone says anything, it’s war.”

 

After everyone tends to their exaggerated wounds, the boys form a circle around the floor, sitting down with their legs crossed as if they were preschool students, who were preparing themselves for story time. 

 

“Okay what game should we play this time?” Jonghyun asks. “The syllable game?”

 

“Nah, we play that way too often.” Minhyun disagrees, shaking his head. He muses in his train of thought, lips pressing into a thin, tight line. “Let’s play a different game this time. I mean this is our last night together, right? Let’s make things memorable!”

 

“How about truth or dare?” Seongwoo suggests the title in English, punching the air in excitement, as if has just contributed the best idea ever. 

 

“I’m sorry, but the the fuck kind of game is that?” Jaehwan inquires, brow narrowing at an angle, face filling with curiosity. “Can you translate for us Korean people who solely speak Korean and who aren’t accustomed with the scary, universal language of English? AKA I’m dumb you piece of shit, remember?”

 

“Uh,” Seongwoo pauses, “How do I explain this? I saw the game watching an English romance film, where the girls and boys gathered in a circle and then they ask each other to pick between a dare or a truth. Choosing dare results in you doing something that someone asks you to do, anything; and picking truth is just answering any question one asks you, without lying.”

 

“What kind of fucked up movie were you watching?” Jaehwan cackles, mouth covering his face as he crunches up his nose. “You have nothing else better to do with your sad life? Jesus, I thought you modelled as a part time job; don’t you models have fun shit to do, like partying and shit and-.”

 

Minhyun who listens intently, nods his head to every word that Seongwoo emits and interrupts Jaehwan with a lovely, gentle slap on his head. “That sounds kind of stupid but interesting at the same time. Please go on, Seongwoo.”

 

“Thank you, Minhyun - possibly the only kind person in this room right now.” Seongwoo exclaims, giving the other boy the side eye, while continuing from where he left off. “For example, we’ll start with one person and that person either asks the person next to them a truth or a dare. After that we’ll move on to the next person and so on and so. Got it, you idiots?”

 

“Okay, let’s get started already!” Minhyun demands, looking quite excited, fingers fidgeting as he preps himself for the game. “This is going to be so fun!”

 

“Okay, I’ll start then to provide with you all an example.” Seongwoo states. He ponders in his thoughts with his eyes scanning Jonghyun, who is silently sitting still, looking nervously at Seongwoo’s darting eyes as if we were frightened for what was about to come. “Okay, Jonghyun. You’re up first… Truth or dare?”

 

“T-truth?” Jonghyun stutters, unconfidently as his eyes go wide like a cat who’s tail has been stepped on. “I think.”

 

“Easy! When was the last time you been in a relationship?”

 

“Uh? …About four years ago with this classmate from high school. That never lasted long though.” Jonghyun shrugs his shoulders, then turns to Jaehwan. “Truth or dare?”

 

“Truth. Bring it on! I’m fucking ready for anything!” Jaehwan says with exhilaration, as he contorts his facial expression amusingly. “What do you have for me?”

 

“How was your day today?”

 

“What kind of lame ass question is that, Jonghyun?” He snickers, as he continues. “My day was great, but now it’s ruined because I’m bored by this question. Anyways, my turn! Let me excite things up a notch.” 

 

“Truth or fucking dare?”

 

“Truth.” Minhyun responds, eagerly.

 

Jaehwan turns to Minhyun and gives a mischievous smile, a smile that solely oozed out malicious intent as if he were planning for world destruction, rank A mission, top secret. “Who would you rather let fuck you, me or Seongwoo?”

 

The room that embodies itself with laughter, giggles, and delight replaces itself with deafening silence, so quiet that one could hear death itself creeping from the corners of the room, ready to snatch it’s next pray to the realms of the underworld. Everyone stares at each other, mouth agape as they try to absorb Jaehwan’s question. Seongwoo breaks the ice that freezes their reaction, tapping with his icepick until it shatters.

 

“What the heck?” He says, “Way to make a game shift from kittens and puppies to obscene topics of gay sex so quick.”

 

“This game has escalated fairly quickly.” Jonghyun nods his silent head in agreement, almost regrettably. “I’m surprised.”

 

Daniel giggles, as he pops another gummy in his mouth, this time it’s one that’s shaped like a hamburger. “This is getting _extremely_ interesting.”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Seongwoo. Your idea of a game was boring so I’m just trying to make it lively by turning things up a notch.”

 

“Just a notch?” Seongwoo snaps. “This game literally went from singing nursery rhymes in preschool to awkward sex-ed taught in high school with condoms two sizes too big being given out, all in a span of 2 minutes.”

 

“Well who cares? I’m fucking gay. I’m pretty sure we’re all gay here too, so what’s the harm? We’re all boys with _raging_ hormones that we can’t deny to hide, and it doesn’t help that we’re stuck in a dorm with a million other guys - dicks for every day of the week.”

 

Jonghyun slowly, but hesitantly raises up his hand, fingers barely expending outwards. 

 

“And what do you have to say, Jonghyun?” Jaehwan nearly flinches.

 

“Um… I’m not gay,” Jonghyun says, skipping over his words like a bad round of jump-rope, missing every time the rope hits the ground. “I’m straight… straight as a dry spaghetti noodle.”

 

“Well first of all, shut the fuck up, Jonghyun. Don’t ruin the game.” Jaehwan launches, but at the same time he reaches over to give a reassuring pat on the boy’s back, and then he curves his lips into an indecent smile. “Second of all, straight boys _are_ like spaghetti, I’ll agree with you there. They’re straight until they are _heated_ … touched and perhaps licked.” He winks and then Jonghyun groans audibly, placing his hands over his ears, regretting that he said anything as a measure to defend himself.

 

Minhyun who sits patiently, is currently waiting for the other boys to be quiet, so that he can finally answer. He’s grinning from ear to ear, and his eyes are bright and with thrill, and he can’t seem to stop shaking his legs, as he sits cross-legged. “I’ll let Ong Seongwoo take me _any_ day of the week. That one was _easy_.”

 

Jaehwan whimpers in response as Seongwoo reaches out to high five Minhyun. “I wouldn’t mind.” He winks at Minhyun, smirking. “Just let me know when.”

 

The boys erupt in an explosion of laughter, like a volcano who’s already reached its peak, and everything is ordinary again, no silence or awkwardness. 

 

“Truth or dare, rated R version,” Jaehwan states, “Nothing wrong with that!”

 

“Okay, Minhyun.” Seongwoo interjects, pointing to Daniel. “It’s time for you to ask Daniel now.”

 

“Oh yeah… Truth or dare?” Minhyun asks questions the youngest trainee, who has finished eating his candy and going through a new bag - this time it’s blueberry dolphins, except they’re swimming into Daniel’s belly. 

 

Daniel whose mid chew, takes out the candy and wonders. “Uh… truth?”

 

“Boring!” Jaehwan shouts, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling. “There has been too many truths already; why don’t you try a dare?”

 

“Fine. Fine. Dare me, Minhyun-hyung.” 

 

Without even sparing a second to think, Minhyun already knows what to ask, launching his dare on Daniel with aggression. “When your name gets called up tomorrow - hey don’t roll your eyes at me! You _know_ you’re going to debut for sure; _everyone_ knows it. Well anyways, continuing on to what I was saying… Tomorrow, I dare you to ask Jihoon what he thinks of you”

 

“I-I wait w-what?” Daniel asks, flabbergasted. His eyebrows twitch from Minhyun’s question and his cheeks grow heated, turning a deeper shade of red every second. “Uh you know that he doesn’t like me right? I’m pretty sure he’s into someone else.”

 

“How can you be so sure he likes someone else and not you?”

 

“Well um… that’s a good question. I guess I’m not one hundred percent sure.”

 

“Exactly. You heard me. That’s your dare and according to Seongwoo, you have to obey by the rules of the game.”

 

“Or else what?”

 

Seongwoo reaches in and leans up against Daniel, lowers his mouth and whispers something in Daniel’s ears that makes him tense up and shiver, goosebumps making their grand entrance. Daniel’s stomach flips and flops like a shoe walking on wet grass, as he ponders what to say next. He let’s out a sigh contained with reluctance. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

 

—

 

The next day, Jihoon sits in the cafeteria, currently eating his last and final breakfast at the Produce 101 building. He picks at his kimchi and scoops it up with rice, shoving it into his mouth and chews, consuming all the nutrients - he’s going to need it; it’s going to be a _long_ and anxious day, filled with anxiety. He’s munching away looking down at his food, when all of a sudden his vision blurs; he can only see darkness. He blushes because the hands that are currently covering his eyes are _so_ soft, like agile clouds pressing against him so delicately and gently. 

 

“Who am I?” The voice whispers to him in his ears, hands stiff in position, never moving away. Jihoon shivers because of the hot breath inhaling through his ear; he’s quite ticklish. He can feel the person’s body pressing against his back, so intimate and close that he loses his breath.

 

“G-Guanlin?” He stutters, almost choking on the food that is in his mouth. Light replaces the darkness, and once again, he can see the cafeteria and the trainees sitting down eating. And then he sees Guanlin lowering himself onto the seat in front of him, gummy smile plasters on his face as he reaches out to pat Jihoon on the head, like a dog deserving of a rewarding treat. Even though today is the last elimination round, Guanlin doesn’t look disrupted; instead his face holds a sense of tranquility, like the calm after the storm.

 

“Whatcha eating?” The boy asks him, looking down at Jihoon’s tray, then back into Jihoon’s eyes, gazing in awe.

 

Jihoon notices the look that Guanlin gives him and he can’t deny that he doesn’t feel tingly inside, but he ignores it because why would Guanlin ever like someone like him? “There’s kimchi, rice, seaweed and some bulgogi today. There’s also soup but I didn’t take any. Why don’t you get something to eat?”

 

“Nah, not really hungry.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“I don’t want to eat too much because when I’m nervous and eat at the same time, sometimes I tend to feel nauseous.” Guanlin complains, as he shakes his head at the sight of the food, holding his breath.

 

“Just _one_ bite, Guanlin-ah,” Jihoon pleads, “You don’t want to faint on stage; today is going to be an extremely long and tiring day.”

 

“Okay fine. I’ll eat… but only if you feed me.” Guanlin suggests, staring at Jihoon’s reaction.

 

Between the sounds of chatter in the cafeteria and Jihoon’s now pounding heart, his voice comes out an octave higher than usual as a squeak. “S-sure.” Promptly complying to Guanlin’s demand, he handles his metal chopsticks with shaky hands and picks up a piece of kimchi, proffering the single piece of food to Guanlin’s mouth, while he swallows to keep his nerves at bay. “Open up, Lin-ah.”

 

Guanlin obeys, tilting his head upwards as he’s opening his mouth. Jihoon drops the piece of kimchi and it falls onto Guanlin’s tongue and then the younger boy closes his mouth and chews, smiling happily as he savours the taste of spiciness blended with a hinge of sourness, the _perfect_ type of kimchi. 

 

“Food is really tasty when Jihoonie-hyung feeds me.” He darts his eyes at Jihoon, and then at the food, and then at Jihoon again. “I want some more. Please give me some more food.”

 

Jihoon can feel the blood rushing to his face, his hands go numb, and suddenly it feels really hot. Guanlin’s face is so innocent looking and he his stomach tightens in anxiousness as he admires the younger boy’s cute expression. He first feels the tingle hit his chest, like an arrow being launched at it’s target, vibrating deep into his heart. He digs at another piece of food - this time it’s bulgogi, and then he gently places it in Guanlin’s mouth, who also chews it up in harmony, relishing the flavour of sweetness and tender meat. 

 

Jihoon continues to feed the boy until he runs out of food, and then he feels a sharp pang hit his belly, indicating hunger. He suddenly remembers that he has just been focusing on feeding Guanlin, instead of consuming the food himself, but it’s okay, he thinks. He’s just glad that Guanlin is eating.

 

“You seem extremely lively today.” Jihoon states, examining the never faltering grin on the younger boy’s face, who’s still beaming down at him, dainty dimple protruding.

 

“I’m too excited… excited about today.” Guanlin says, fiddling with his thumbs. He looks at Jihoon and gives a knowing look, but Jihoon’s lost and confused like a tourist exploring the suburbs of a foreign country.

 

“What’s happening today besides the elimination? Everyone else seems to be nervous… except for you. I thought you would be more scared… you know considering what happened last week.” 

 

“You really don’t know why I’m excited? Guanlin scoffs, while glaring at his hyung in disbelief, staring holes into his face. “You can’t even take a guess?”

 

“Uh… does it happen to do with the thousands and thousands of people we’ll be performing in front of? That is pretty nerve-racking and exciting, I _guess_ , depending on how you look at it.”

 

“Seriously hyung.” Guanlin sighs, as he shrugs his shoulders in defeat. “Don’t make do this.”

 

“Do what?”

 

Before he knows it, Guanlin is leaning in _closer_ and _closer,_ places his head softly on Jihoon’s, and whispers while they’re eye to eye, so close that Jihoon can feel the hot breath prickling his skin, causing sensations even he can’t describe. He feels himself slowly suffocating, as he holds his breath.

 

“Don’t forget that I want you to kiss me today,” He says, grabbing Jihoon’s unoccupied left hand, bringing it up to place upon his cheek, while his own fingers rests on top of Jihoon’s. “Right here.”

 

Jihoon doesn’t remember that he isn’t breathing until he lets out a choked cough, gasping for air, as he inhales the oxygen around him to guide himself back into stability; Guanlin helps to pat him on the back and then merely laughs as a respond. “You’re cute, hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i hope you guys enjoy this chapter! thanks so so so much for reading and please! if you like my story, comment, kudo, and subscribe - it really really does motivate me as a writer to write quicker!
> 
> and also if you like my writing, be sure to check out my new fic! It's called Metallic and it's a Panwink/Hwangwink fic with three parts to it; the first is already up and posted! i worked really hard on it and it's a new and interesting AU that I explored so please read if you get the chance to and tell me how you like it :).  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/12246753/chapters/27826272
> 
> once again, if you'd like to talk or get updates on my any of my fics, feel free to hit me up on twitter @pinkguaniin


	5. Smiling Through Pain

“So what _exactly_ did Seongwoo say he was going to do if you didn’t follow through with Minhyun’s dare?” Jaehwan asks him, as they were both getting their hair and makeup done. He cracks a smile while admiring his appearance in the mirror. 

 

“He threatened to release footage of me crying out Jihoon’s name in my sleep.” Daniel replies, while giggling. “I think he’s bogus because I don’t talk in my sleep nor do I say Jihoon’s name.”

 

Jaehwan lets out a boisterous laugh, while clapping his hands excitedly. “…He’s _not_ lying! I have that video too! You sometimes scream in your sleep as well. It’s quite funny actually; we have a group chat where we send each other clips of your lovely antics.”

 

Daniel groans and bites his bottom lip as he let’s out a sigh. He feels his cheeks getting warm with embarrassment but he doesn’t say anything so instead he continues to laugh as a defence mechanism, an attempt to hide his tainted pride. He angles his head towards Jaehwan and whispers, ensuring no one else could hear what he’s going to say.

 

“Hyung, tell me the truth.” He mouths quietly as Jaehwan leans in closer. “Do you _really_ think I have a chance with Jihoon?”

 

“Why wouldn’t you have a chance with him? You’re so popular! All the ladies want you - why wouldn’t he want you?” Jaehwan replies back loudly - almost shouting actually, obviously not matching the level of volume that Daniel’s projecting. 

 

“You really think so? You think Jihoon wants me?”

 

“Fuck yeah! Like I said, who wouldn’t? I would totally swerve in your lane as well if Minhyun could stop obsessing over me.” Jaehwan chimes in, as he admires his completed look in the mirror. He stretches out his neck and makes a sexy pose with his hand covering half on his face, one of the many poses that he makes as if he were a model.

 

“Hyung… I think it’s the other way around. I think you’re the one obsessing over Minhyun.” Daniel murmurs but Jaehwan pretends not to hear him as he puts his finger to Daniel lips, hushing him.

 

“Just worry about your own love life, _sweetheart_. But really, I’m 90% sure he’ll like you back, so you can stop worrying.”

 

Daniel’s shoulders relax after hearing Jaehwan’s words. He’s relieved to hear that there may be a possibility of Jihoon liking him back. Although he usually plasters a happy demeanour, in the inside he feels quite pathetic. He hates how a rush of euphoria would explode at the tip of his fingertips and dwell into his heart every time Jihoon does something minuscule such as smiling at him. His heart thumps rapidly at their minor interactions - he _can’t_ help the sensation nor can he stop himself from falling deeper and deeper into what Jaehwan calls as “love”. He just hopes that Jihoon feels the same back.

 

While he’s lost in the train of his thoughts, a figure appeared in the mirror right next to him. It’s Minhyun and he’s scrutinizing Daniel’s facial expression with a sly smile. He pats Daniel on the back. 

 

“What are you thinking about, my cute little dongsaeng?” Minhyun coos in Daniel’s ears, his eyes clouds with concern. 

 

Before Daniel could answer, Jaehwan rudely chimes in, interrupting their conversation. “He’s thinking about how much of a snake you are,” Jaehwan says dryly. “ _Ssssssss. Sssssss_ ”.

 

Minhyun hits Jaehwan on the shoulder and get’s a yelp in return. “Are you still upset about what happened last night?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jaehwan snorts out, giving a mocking smile.

 

“There’s nothing going on between Seongwoo and I! I already told you!”

 

“I honestly don’t care what happened between you two during truth or dare. If you guys want to date or even _fuck_ , just do it. But just remember, I know you liked me first… and you probably still like me.”

 

Minhyun groans then walks away, muttering something about “jealousy”  and “idiot” under his breath. 

 

—

 

“Cube. Lai Guanlin.” BoA announces, as the cheers arise from the audience, applauding the trainee who’s currently ranked at seventh place. 

 

Jihoon brings his hands to his face, and he feels an explosion of electricity shock him, causing his insides to jump with glee. He’s so exhilarated at the result that presents itself that he feels like crying. Guanlin’s made it in. _He made it in._

 

Guanlin’s smiling so widely, and Jihoon swears that it’s the most beautiful sight. He takes a mental snap-shot of the scene, then embeds it deep down into the crevices of his mind, securing in his memories _forever_. Jihoon can feel his hands shake while he waits for Guanlin, who’s currently getting embraced by the other trainees. 

 

Although Guanlin is hugging the others, he’s staring directly at Jihoon. He walks towards Jihoon and he lifts him up into a tight squeeze, enfolding Jihoon with his long arms. Jihoon freezes in place due to the physical contact, almost unaware of the thousands of people that are watching them. His heart trembles as Guanlin grips him tighter, pulling Jihoon closer to him, pressing his chest against Jihoon’s beating heart.

 

His frantic heart doesn’t subside, as he remembers the promise that he made to Guanlin. _Kiss me, right here!_ He’s eager and nervous, but a promise must be kept. 

 

After Jihoon is ranked second place and he makes his speech, he stumbles up the stairs, locating his seat. Before that, he greets all of the other trainees who are _now_ his newly profound members, the people who he will now create cheerful memories with, as they merge their paths into one. He hugs each member one by one, until he’s faced with Woojin, who holds him tightly. “We did it, hyung!” Woojin whispers in his ear, excitedly. Although his arms wrap themselves over Woojin, he can’t help but notice the member standing behind him. Jihoon lets go of the boy, and walks towards the person who’s responsible for his racing heart - Guanlin.

 

Guanlin’s gazing at him with kind eyes, and he spreads out his arms towards Jihoon, quickly pointing at his left cheek, indicating that he’s expecting something special. Guanlin’s beckoning him to come over, and he does, making brisk steps towards the taller boy, who’s smiling so widely that Jihoon can feel his fingers go numb. Jihoon approaches him, hands shaking, and once again, he feels long arms wrap around him, engulfing him tightly. His vision blurs because of the intense pressure, and he gulps every inch of oxygen that he can find, because he feels as if he can’t breath and that the air around him is quickly being depleted. 

 

He attempts to pull away, but Guanlin pulls him back. Jihoon feels himself getting swayed, gravitating towards Guanlin. Jihoon’s hypnotized by Guanlin’s alluring voice, the vibrato of a triton. His smile is blinding, as he says the words in Jihoon’s ears. “Hyung, kiss me!”

 

“In front of everyone?” Jihoon inquires, eyes scanning the audience in front of him, the tens of thousand of faces who are watching his every move.

 

“You promised!”

 

Goosebumps rise all over his skin, as his lips press against the soft flesh of Guanlin’s cheek. He can feel the heat racing up towards his toes, to his fingers, and up to his puffy cheeks, painting it crimson. He sees Guanlin smile warmly, dainty dimple protruding, as his eyes are glistening with the stars of the skies. He sees Guanlin’s ivory complexion, illuminating so fondly against his sun-kissed skin. Guanlin is handsome, he’s tall, he’s kind. Jihoon’s heart trembles because he’s _so_ happy that Guanlin isn’t going anywhere; he’s happy that they’ll be debuting in the same group. They’re _finally_ going to be together.

 

He doesn’t feel embarrassment over the incident. He kissed Guanlin and he liked it. He likes it so much that Jihoon wants to do it again and _again_ and _again._

 

—

 

Albeit his promise to fulfil Minhyun’s dare, Daniel promptly avoided Jihoon throughout the recording of the last episode, quickly skidding away whenever the boy came towards his direction, as if he had some sort of infection. Even though he had placed first in the overall rank, he couldn’t feel excited or happy, Instead, he couldn’t stop thinking about Jihoon and _Guanlin._ Unfortunately, he couldn’t erase the image of Jihoon kissing Guanlin on the cheek out of his mind. _Why did he kiss him, does he like him?_ He thought, while the other trainees and staff were giving their congratulations backstage. 

 

Daniel doesn’t know why, but he feels a sense of betrayal. He admires Jihoon because they were both passionate in what they do. Jihoon strives hard to reach his utmost goals, being goal-oriented, and so does he. Although they were neck-to-neck in rankings, Daniel felt as if their paths converged, as if they shared many similarities throughout their hardships, as if they could’ve been _one_. The surety that he harboured feelings for the wink boy was quite evident and obvious, _but_ he was not quite certain that Jihoon reciprocates the exact feelings towards him. But now, it’s unquestionable how much Jihoon sees Guanlin, and how little Jihoon sees him. The truth was, after he saw Jihoon kiss Guanlin on the cheek, every hope and will - the small fragments of desire that he hung on to - disappeared. For now, he is certain that he isn’t a priority in the boy’s heart - or mind, even. Daniel’s a friend, and he’ll always be _that_ friend who smiles and who laughs through the pain. 

 

“Congratulations on getting first place, Mr. Kang.” A familiar voice sounds behind him. He turns around and it’s fear that presents itself to him - it’s _Jihoon._ Jihoon is smiling so wide that Daniel wants to smile along, but he _just_ can’t. 

 

“Thanks,” He murmurs, pathetically. He takes a deep breath and sighs, shrugging his shoulders as he exhales. He avoids the younger boy’s beautiful eyes, that only seem to convey happiness. “Congratulations to you as well.”

 

“Daniel?” Jihoon calls his name softly, as he puts a firm hand on Daniel’s neck. His fingers are slim and delicate, adding prickling warmth at contact. He gently massages Daniel’s stiff muscles, an attempt to reassure him. “Is everything okay? I’m not sure but you don’t seem too excited. Is something on your mind? We’re friends; you can tell me _anything_.”

 

Daniel stares at the hand on him, and feels his stomach doing flips at the friendly, _but_ intimate contact. He closes his eyes, and feels his breath staggering. Honestly, Jihoon’s touch just adds more stress. 

 

“Everything’s fine.” Daniel replies. He let’s out a nervous chuckle, an effort to control his profound emotions of heartache. “I’m just… trying to process everything! I can’t believe I’m first place; I thought you would be.” He chuckles some more, hoping Jihoon doesn’t detect the sadness fleeing from his eyes. 

 

“Why would you think that? You worked so hard that I’m not surprised that you’re first. You did great today. The crowd loved you. Don’t degrade yourself too much; you _earned_ the centre position.”

 

_But, you’re even more great. You’re perfect, you’re cute, you’re amazing. I like you._ Daniel thinks, trying his best from not saying the words out loud, even though he really wants to. Instead of responding to Jihoon’s series of applaud, he steers the conversation in a different direction. He decides it’s time to be impulsive; it’s time to hear the truth. He has a dare that needs fulfilment, or he’ll get a scolding by his hyungs later on.

 

“So…” He initiates slowly, voice low as he brings his eyes to look at Jihoon’s. “I think I saw you kiss Guanlin. Did I imagine it?” He can’t stop himself from speaking without thinking, but he wants to know - he wants to know how Jihoon sincerely feels about Guanlin, directly from the boy’s mouth himself. 

 

Jihoon looks up at him, eyes curious as the hand on Daniel’s neck descends. “I _did_ kiss him. I kissed him on the cheek because he asked me to. But why are you asking?”

 

“Do you like him?” 

 

“…I’m not quite sure, to be honest…I-I think I do.” Jihoon replies, scratching the back of his head. He’s unaware of Daniel’s deadpan expression - unaware of the sharp sound of Daniel’s heart shattering into fragments of wishful thinking and despair. Since he’s so oblivious, he continues on. “He makes me feel some type of way. Whenever I’m with Guanlin, I just feel like the happiest person on the universe. I wasn’t sure what my true feelings were, but after talking to you, I think I’m confident enough to say that I like him. Yes, that’s right. I like Guanlin and I think that I always have.”

 

“You don’t need to say anymore. I get it.” Daniel responds dryly, feeling the tears form into the corner of his eyes. He makes an attempt to walk away before he’s seen, but Jihoon grabs onto Daniel’s arm, using two hands. “What is it?”

 

Daniel tries to part away, but Jihoon tugs him closer. The younger boy furrows his eyebrows and scrunches his nose, looking at Daniel questioningly. “Are you sure that everything is okay?”

 

 

Daniel gazes at Jihoon intently, scrutinizing the boy’s worried expression. His eyes are full of concern, but he can’t help Daniel; no one can. The reality is, he’s _not_ okay and he’s not going to be okay for awhile. 

 

“Yeah, I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. Good luck with Guanlin.” He shrugs Jihoon off, and says his “goodbyes” and walks away, leaving the boy in bewilderment. 

 

Although they spend a lot of time together during the duration of Produce 101, Daniel doesn’t know why he feels this way. He’s not entitled to feel any sort of jealousy, because at the end of the day, Jihoon isn’t going to like him back. He regrets telling his hyungs about his infatuation for the smaller boy. He also regrets listening to their advice, believing that he _actually_ had any sort of chance with Park Jihoon, because he _didn’t_. The truth is apparent; it conspicuously bestows itself as clear as day, like the bright moon that shines over darkness. 

 

It’s time for him to let go of the pain that embodies his heart. It’s time to let go of Jihoon. 

 

— 

 

It’s their last night in the Produce 101 dorm and nostalgia starts to hit Jihoon as he sits in his bed, pondering his thoughts, while looking at Guanlin. They’re both completely alone in the dorm room, Guanlin on his laptop watching a Korean drama, while Jihoon was resting his head against the wall. It’s their last night, and the nine other boys are playing games in another room, leaving Guanlin and Jihoon alone to sit in tranquil, enjoying the silence.

 

The moon paints streaks of dim light, illuminating through the curtains ajar. Jihoon thinks it’s beautiful, but not as beautiful as Guanlin, who’s trying so hard to decipher the words that are being spewed by the characters of the show he’s watching. Every so often, Guanlin would pause the video, and rewind, listening to the audio once more to comprehend each word carefully. It’s his unique way of learning Korean, and Jihoon has to admit that it is quite endearing to see the boy studying so hard.

 

He doesn’t know how long he’s looking at the younger boy until Guanlin looks up at him, interrupting his focus, making him quickly dart his eyes elsewhere. “Were you watching me, hyung?” Guanlin asks, snickering. 

 

Jihoon blushes, feeling his face heat up. He’s embarrassed that he got caught - he swears he can feel the shame excreting from his tomato red face. He laughs nervously, giving Guanlin a toothy beam. “You got me. I couldn’t help myself because you look really cute.”

 

“You look even cuter with your red cheeks, hyung.” Guanlin replies, gazing directly into Jihoon’s eyes. “What’s on your mind?”

 

_You_. Jihoon wants to say, but he forcefully hinders himself from causing even more embarrassment. After his conversation with Daniel, he realized his true feelings for Guanlin, the feelings of warmth and affection that he felt for the younger, that wasn’t simply characteristics of friendship. The truth is he likes Guanlin. He _likes_ him a lot, but he doesn’t know if Guanlin even likes him back. Thoughts of hesitation and doubt assaults his mind, as he replays the scene of the kiss in his head again and again. 

 

“Oh, it’s nothing.” He says instead, retracting his true emotions into the back of his mind. He reaches in and pats Guanlin on the head, tousling the boy’s black hair. “I’m just so happy that you made it in.”

 

“I’m happy as well, hyung. I’m extremely happy.” Guanlin replies, lips curving into a tight smile. He grabs Jihoon hand that was on his hair, and he brings it down, holding it gently. His hand is warm as he interlocks his fingers with Jihoon’s, enclosing the space between them. “Do you know what’s on my mind?”

 

“What?” Jihoon asks, enjoying the physical contact. They’re so accustomed to hand holding at this point that it comes naturally, but Jihoon still can’t help the butterflies from forming inside. Guanlin’s the type of friend who won’t hesitate to hold his hand, even if his hands were grimy with dirt. Jihoon appreciates that about Guanlin, how he’s always there for him. 

 

“I want to thank you, hyung. Thank you for supporting me, for encouraging me throughout these months. I wouldn’t have the courage if it weren’t for you. You really helped me believe in myself, have confidence in my skills even though I’m lacking.”

 

“Guanlin, you’re not lacking at all.” Jihoon says, giving Guanlin’s hand a tight squeeze. “I said those words because I mean them. You are a star that deserves to shine brightly in the night sky. You are unique; you are one of a kind. Guanlin, you are so talented, so please, don’t ever have those thoughts. Don’t ever think that you are lacking, because you’re not. I’ll say it a thousand times until it’s embedded into your memory, Lin-ah. You are perfect in every way - you are perfect to _me.”_

 

“Thank you, Jihoon.” Guanlin whispers, leaning his head against Jihoon’s shoulders. “I’m so lucky to have you as my hyung.”

 

“And I’m lucky to have you as my cute little dongsaeng, although sometimes you can be quite annoying, but I still tolerate you.” Jihoon jokes and Guanlin doubles over in laughter. 

 

“Hyung?” Guanlin interjects, lifting his head to face Jihoon’s direction. 

 

“Yes, Lin-ah?” 

 

Jihoon leans in closer to Guanlin’s touch, because it makes him feel safe and comfortable.

 

“You know… we never actually talked about what happened earlier.” Guanlin slowly continues, looking up at Jihoon with clear eyes. “The kiss, I mean.”

 

Jihoon tenses up due to nervousness, but then he reminds himself that he should remain calm, because he is Guanlin’s hyung after all. Any reaction could be interpreted differently - he doesn’t want the younger to presume that he’s avoiding the topic, because he’s _not._ Jihoon wants to talk about the kiss so _so_ badly.

 

“What about it.” He replies safely, carefully analyzing his words. Jihoon takes his hand and pushes away Guanlin’s black bangs that has fallen over his eyes. 

 

“I-I liked it, hyung.” Guanlin whispers. “Is it okay if I liked it?”

 

Jihoon smiles at Guanlin and he pinches the younger’s cheeks, which omits a groan from the boy. “Of course it’s okay! I mean, you _are_ the one who asked for it. Plus, you better had liked it because you made me kiss you on national TV.”

 

“Next time, I’ll be the one kissing you on national TV.” Guanlin yawns, as he rubs his tired eyes. He mumbles something but Jihoon’s thinks that Guanlin is starting to doze off, as his breathing gets heavy.

 

“I’d like that as well.” Jihoon replies back, but Guanlin can’t hear because he’s already past the point of consciousness, already settled into the world of his dreams. 

 

Guanlin’s leaning against Jihoon’s shoulder with his legs sprawled, head drooping in his slumber. He looks quite adorable, as he sleeps with his mouth ajar, drool slowly creeping out. Jihoon wants to nudge the boy, to awaken him, but he reluctantly stops himself when he sees how calm Guanlin appears. Guanlin’s breath etches at a consistent pace, chest softly synchronizing as he inhales and exhales. Jihoon admires the sleeping boy, wondering if he was experiencing any dreams. Maybe he was dreaming about the kiss? Jihoon chuckles. _Scratch that._ He’s more likely to be dreaming about his favourite foods, such as chicken and pizza. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been too long. i hate myself too but i promise to be more consistent with my updates!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading! kudos and comments are greatly encouraged and appreciated <3\. if you want to hit me up to talk about panwink or updates, i'm at @pinkguaniin


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